Edel: A gathering reflection

I wanted to wait and write my Edel Gathering post a few days after everyone was back to real life. One thing I've learned after a fabulous, inspiring event is that reintegration is hard. My heart is full. I met wonderful women, heard words that were revealed by the Holy Spirit, and I was ready to build cathedrals, but when I came home nothing had changed in the world around me - except my almost 3-year-old son is sick and threw up this morning - and it is easy for the light inside to burn out. Ladies, if you were there, don't let the light die. Keep your cathedral doors open.

I was not sure what I was going to walk into at Edel. Though I traveled with other attendees, JoAnna & Luisa, and met up with a high school friend, Molly, I was there alone. I was not there to meet with blogging friends I had made years ago through the internet, though I was familiar with many of their blogs and may be a frequent combox contributor. I was not there with local friends or family, though there were people there from Iowa, Seattle, and Phoenix. I had my 10 month old and that was it. Meeting people scares me. I am slow to warm up and I always feel that I do not represent myself well initially. But if there was ever a place to challenge myself to step out of my introversion, this was it. This event was supposed to be filled with women like me! Each of the 225 attendees was a possible new friend and I didn't want to miss it, even though I wasn't sure how I was going to do it.



It was not hard to find who the other Edel ladies were at the Omni Hotel. Public breastfeeding much? It made it very easy to sidle up to a circle of women and be turned to with a smile. I met so many women so quickly that I am going to have to Facebook stalk everyone's names and photos to remember who was who. It was amazing to see so many faces from blogs I have followed or who have offered their prayers for me over Facebook when I needed some support. Some were shorter, some were taller, and everyone's voice and demeanor was suddenly exactly who I expected them to be, and it was like I had known them in person the whole time. A small group of us went to dinner on 6th street and it was nice to feel comfortable talking with any one of them.

Friday night there was a cocktail party.  It was the first chance to mingle and meet and Hallie was an immediate welcoming smile. I am so glad I got the chance to connect with her. I wore the dress I wanted to and didn't feel a bit over dressed. I bought it back in December of 2008 at Harrods in London for 80 US dollars on clearance because the zipper was broken. I've never worn it, the zipper is still broken, and I am not a size 4 anymore after two kids, but I wanted to wear it so much that I rigged a way to lace it up the back. It did help me meet people though because some girls wanted to see how I'd fixed it after posting a picture of the back on Facebook. I noticed that I felt uncomfortable standing outside circles of girls already engaged in conversations, paralyzed as to how to insert myself without saying all the wrong things. So, like us introverts said we would, I found the walls, the corners, and the other babies; but there were others there with me and I got to talk the whole night to some wonderful non-blogging ladies from all over.



Hopefully Emi and I didn't take up too much of the bed we shared with Molly (again, only at a Catholic women's conference was putting a baby in the middle of a bed totally an OK idea when sharing with someone unrelated). Emi and I woke up a bit late Saturday morning (right on time for us on Arizona time, but sleeping in according to Texas time) and we were on our own. The morning was open time and I had never made any plans with anyone to get breakfast or see the sights. Admittedly, I began to question if I belonged at Edel. Since I had the room to myself, I took a shower, fed Emi, questioned not leaving the room until registration, and then took a deep breath to gather my courage and venture to the lobby to find breakfast. I wasn't sure I wouldn't cry if I ended up sitting alone somewhere. I walked into the lobby and there was a group of women sitting in a circle. I practiced my sidling up and Cate greeted me with a smile and a warm, "good morning, did you have breakfast?" I knew then that if I ended up crying in a corner alone it was going to be my own doing and I had a choice, because the women who greeted me were more than happy to welcome a stranger to their conversation.

As I ate (and Emi stole much of) some breakfast tacos, I talked with Cindy from Our Sunday Visitor for quite a while. Then I loitered around the lobby conversations for a bit. I recognized Nell, who is very approachable, and she was off to the Cathedral with a friend of hers, Jenny. I mustered all the courage I could and asked if I could join them. I'm sure my voice was a little shaky. She said, "Of course!" and I breathed a little easier. I had faced a huge fear of mine - being that random girl who tags along - and put myself out there anyway. Had I not, I don't know if I ever would have had the chance to meet Nell and Jenny.

The afternoon marked the official events of the conference. Blessed by some wonderful speakers, there were moments of tears and laughter. The first words for me to ponder were by Hallie, who said 7 words came to her, "It is good that you are here." Was it? Was it good I was there? Then over the course of Marion & Haley's talks, I felt assured that it was. I was doing good work as a mother, everything I was doing mattered, and there was a community of women sitting around me who understood. Jen reminded us that it is OK to admit that what we do is HARD. And although the outside world may not see the work we are doing, we are building cathedrals - and we don't have to do it alone.



It was amazing to see so many women wearing babies, growing babies, nursing babies, and smiling through all the things that babies do. There were babies, babies everywhere! Any they were so welcome. Never once did I feel guilty about Emi's babbling or squawking noises, or concerned about whipping out a boob, or putting her down on the floor to crawl around and grab at someone else's painted toes or fancy shoes. There were babies on the dance floor,



babies on stage doing karaoke, and babies playing with other babies. All the babies were a joy. As much as Emi was my favorite conversation-starting accessory, I never felt that people only saw me as a mother, they saw me as me and I just happened to be carrying a baby with big brown eyes.



The babies were an inseparable part of us, but they didn't define us. Emi may have dictated bedtime, but that was OK.



I attended mass at St. Mary's cathedral for the Saturday vigil and Emi was so squirmy that I heard very little. I thought, "I wish I could pay attention and hear The Word." But as Emi climbed up over my shoulder I saw the woman behind me smile, and I realized, as Haley has said before, I am doing God's work as I hold her little hands, as I point to the Holy Family surrounding the altar, as I let her crawl and babble and squawk.... all these works being her mother, they are my prayer. As parishioners were leaving, a woman a few rows up walked back and told me, "she was making me smile the whole time."

I know that I am very lucky. I am so thankful for my husband's support by telling me to purchase one of the 10 tickets released after the initial sell-out. He took two days of vacation from work to hang out with Lincoln. I came home to a clean house and clean laundry.  My husband loves me, and I was so ready to come home and be wrapped up in its warmth. My 2-year-old wanted to come pick me up at the airport so badly he stayed up very late and ran into my arms as I came out past security.

As sad as I was to say good-bye not having had the chance to talk to so many people I would have loved to have some time with, I felt connected. I came home refreshed. But little by little, that loneliness wants to creep back in. Self-doubt and insecurity didn't magically disappear, the whining of a 2-year-old isn't less annoying, and solid sleep is being extra disrupted by a nursing baby, who now has a stuffy nose, every few hours. What we do IS hard. But, I finally feel that I have truly found community and I am excited to get to know all the new and amazing women I met!