Our Love Story: Part Four

Our Love Story: Part Four

For such a short amount of time from dating to wedding you'd think there wouldn't be so much to this story. It sounds romantic and simple: Boy meets Girl working in hospital. First date. Fall in love. Travel Europe lots. Get engaged in Paris. Endure a 6 month deployment. Reunite. Get married. The end. Right? Call those headings and the rest of the story falls underneath.

I had just gotten on a plane from Frankfurt to Fort Hood where I would deploy with the 21st Combat Support Hospital to Iraq. We had gotten engaged just days before and decided to get married soon after I returned. We set a date for August 28. I was due to return in July or early August. I took my ring with me to get it sized while I was gone. I had to ship it USPS to my mom in a box in Seattle where there was a Tiffany's in the Bellevue Square Mall for her to get it sized and then secure it until we arrived there for the wedding. (Remember this)

I left feeling excited. Part of me had wanted to deploy and if it was going to happen it was better now than later. I would be busy doing my nursing, I'd be busy planning a wedding, and I had a great battle buddy to stick close to and work out, hang out, or whatever. I figured 6 months was no time at all and I planned to come back thin and toned and ready to look great in a dress.

Joe and I had initially planned to get married in Seattle on a hilltop or something with a circle of friends. That would be easy. But Joe had another idea, he just didn't know if it would work. My friend Kristen helped him tremendously and soon he told me he wanted to get married in the Chapel of St. Ignatius at Seattle Unversity's camps (my alma matter). He knew it was a dream of mine and he thought it could work. Our date was available, I was Catholic, I was an alumni. Boom. BUT, he was previously married and in the Catholic church once is forever. How was that not going to be a deal breaker?! It's why I never even suggested it in the first place. I knew better. But, after talking with the coordinator, Nick, we learned there may be a loophole. Joe's previous marriage could be deemed invalid if there was a Catholic party involved and it was not overseen by a priest. Lucky enough, his ex was a baptized Catholic (real life atheist), but her mom (an angel) went and sought out her daughter's baptismal certificate that proved she was never documented as married in a Catholic church. I was so excited that it may be possible. It was a lot of paperwork to get it approved and we wouldn't even know until we were on our way to the wedding. But we had every reason to hope. Even Joe will tell you he never feels like he was married. It wasn't really a marriage. It was an attempt to do the right thing (whatever that means) for an unborn child, but it had nothing to do with love or a desire for unity and family. That's what I wanted in my marriage ceremony. For me it was bigger than just saying some words that 50% of the population retract later on. I knew my relationship with Joe was bigger than us from the beginning and a Rite of Marriage was a perfect ceremony for us. We had a date. We had a chapel.

I found my dress in a magazine. There was a downtown Seattle retailer. I sent my mom to look at it with a friend of hers. They even let her take pictures of the dress to send me because I was in Iraq. It was gorgeous. Kristina and I measured me in our bathroom and sent them off to determine a dress size. It was a guess, I was between two sizes. I would not get to see or try on my dress until the week of the wedding. Scary.

the shoes I also saw in a magazine. They had a retailer in Lincoln, NE. I sent my Grandma Barb on a mission for these shoes. I didn't know what size I would be 8 or 8.5. The store owner listened to her story and agreed to let her buy each size, send them to me in Iraq, and return the size that didn't fit. She even included a 10% discount because her husband was a former military doctor. So, I received my wedding shoes in the mail in Iraq and I tried them on in the Inpatient Unit standing on a pillow case. Then I sent them home. I did not want them getting dirty from the Iraq dust.

The reception location was a last minute miracle as well. As the wedding list grew, it became apparent that we would have a better experience if someone professional made our lives easier. My mom and I had a great plan for a small party, but it was getting big and it was overwhelming. I contacted Newcastle Golf Club and they had a room that would fit 50 people (our guest list) perfectly and it was a perfect timing in the afternoon since our wedding was at 11:00 am. How lucky?!

I made our invitations in my CHU and on the unit. I had a blast designing everything and getting supplies ordered and shipped. My Grandma Irene sent me all colors of ribbons to tie the velum cover to the card stock so each invitation was slightly unique. It was fun.

But, what was really going on wasn't fluffy, fun, and pretty...

I was struggling. Joe, the ever steadfast, was doing all he could to send me care packages, notes, Skype dates, and be there for me while I was away. He missed out on some travel opportunities because he prioritized talking to me over that. I was having a hard time, but I didn't know it for awhile. I even got to surprise him at 3 months in with a quick trip to Germany with a patient. (Read it here. I do recommend it, it's a good one, too good to just summarize here) And I felt like that was enough to sustain me for the rest of the deployment. But, the euphoria of being in his arms for one night wasn't lasting.

As a requirement of the Catholic Church, all couples must complete a marriage preparation course. We couldn't make any of the retreats that some companies like Engaged Encounter offer. So I found an online curriculum (can't remember through who) that met the requirements for the Dioscese of Seattle. Even just a few years ago there were not the online resources there are now!! At least if there were, it was hard to find one from Iraq that Seattle would take. Now just google it and there's TONS. I wish it had been that easy. Anyway, we did a lot of our own marriage prep with the SU Campus Ministry. We read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I highly recommend that for anyone at any stage of a relationship. Then, we took the FOCCUS inventory and had the chance to really talk about what was important to us AFTER we were married. Money, lifestyle, family, kids, work, household tasks. Anything you can practicality think of. It was great. But it makes you talk about it all. And that's when I started thinking and feeling like this wasn't what I wanted. I wasn't feeling connected, unconditional, or accepting in my love when it came to family...

Joe and I are very similar people. Our scores on the FOCCUS were very complimentary and we share a vision of the future and how we want to live our life. But I was hung up on the past. I was so angry that this was our wedding and it wasn't his first. I have no delusion about the world that everyone who gets married is a virgin, in love, who stays in love, and has a perfect family. But, for me, I had waited to marry someone I knew was right for me. I'd made big choices to protect myself from any unwanted pregnancies whether they were abstinence or hormonal or barrier contraceptives.  And I was PISSED. I was pissed at Joe. Why and how had that happened? What were you doing? I was pissed at HER. What was she thinking? What was she doing? Why did she make Joe believe that she was protected if he wasn't?! Why did she not abort him? (I don't believe in abortion, but it's a valid question) And I was even pissed at B. He was born with a large hole in his heart and Joe was told if they hadn't noticed his rapid breathing after his rather difficult delivery, he likely would have been overlooked, sent home, and died in his sleep. I was pissed about it all. It's a horrible, horrible, very sad story and he's INNOCENT, but I was MAD!!!! I was NOT listening to my own beliefs that everything happens for a reason and and I kept telling myself there was no way there was a reason for this that included ME because it sucked.

Now, I was in double standard land because I have a step-motherish figure and half-sisters whom I LOVE. BUT, this was that much more intimate. This was the man I was giving my life to and I had to share it! I didn't want to. I wanted to say "I do" to someone who'd never said those words before. I wanted my first baby to be the first baby and to go through the joyful experience together. I wanted our family time to not have to consider someone else's schedule and do what we wanted to do. I didn't want to have to compromise our family plans for someone else's long term care. I knew there was A LOT of money that would go into paying for care as B got older and what if that meant that in order for our family to live how we wanted to I either couldn't have children I wanted (because children cost money) or I had to go back to work at a job/schedule/pay-rate I didn't want to (because I wanted to stay home through to elementary school) to support us because he had to support him!! Call me selfish, they are still all valid emotions and thoughts I went (go) through.

What was I supposed to tell my kids? Even growing up in an a-reglious home, I still had a sense of sexual responsibility and loving relationships and marriage as a commitment. How was I supposed to meet people and tell them how many kids we had? Was I supposed to say, "well, I have 2, but he has another one." was I supposed to say, "we have 3?" I didn't want to take ownership of B. He was certainly not mine. But, how could I NOT say that?!? How could I disregard a living, present child of my husband's who was around before me. I told Joe in our talks that B would always have a place in our home. He would always have a room and a bed. He would always have a chair at our table. I knew that before Joe had left for Germany he'd had B spent at least 2 nights week at his house and he took him to school two days a week. I assumed that would stay the same and he would be in our house every week for just about half of it. How would he be when he was with us? I have never had to deal with meltdowns, outbursts, or other people's reactions of a person I was with who was different. Was I going to be enough of an advocate for him if people were ass holes mean? Would we be prisoners in our own house? Now, I'm a hermit of an introvert. I can stay inside for DAYS and not get cabin fever. But, how was he going to affect my kids? Part of me was sad for them that they would have to grow up with that experience. Another part of me knows that kids love unconditionally and they would grow up to be protectors and advocates for special needs kids, and that was a good thing. But, I'm still selfish here. It's not the way I wanted my kids to learn to be loving, accepting people.

Now I'm thinking about my kids. Maybe half of my emotions wouldn't even exist if Joe's son was a 9 year old who talked about baseball and wanted to play the trumpet who I could create a bond with and grow to love as a friend and I just happened to be married to his dad and the mother of his half-siblings. No one knows what exactly causes Autism. What if MY kids were going to be autistic too?!?! Could I marry a man I was afraid to have kids with?? I wanted kids SO BADLY. Being a mom was the ONLY thing in life I've even known I wanted to be. But if God told me my kids would be autistic, I don't know that I'd choose to have any. I couldn't know that answer though. What was I supposed to do? Autism is more prevalent in boys, it's more prevalent in siblings (but half siblings over a decade apart?) Everyone I talked to reassured me that I had a greater chance of something else being wrong if I were to have kids with Joe. But, when Autism is in front of you, it's SCARY. Now, this circumstance is unique. B is his own person on the spectrum of Autism disorders. He's not like anyone else even though many of the characteristics are the same. He's considered low functioning and severe. Many people with Autism live independently and you may never even know they're on the spectrum. Autism is not the kiss of death, as my friend Stephanie reminded me once, but it's not something I'd ever ask God to give me as a parental challenge.

Again, Joe knew all of this. Maybe not in the words or concentration I'm putting it right now (remember, this is spread out over 6 months) but he's perceptive even when I'm quiet. It's how I knew we were of the same cloth. We say exactly the same thing at the same time all the time. We know what the other one is going to say. It's just how we are. But I couldn't admit these horrible things to a man I'd promised to be a loving, good, caring, welcoming, inclusive, accepting person to. I didn't feel like I was going to be ANY of those things. I'm not a bottler though. Even if I wasn't saying things to Joe, I was saying things to some of my closest friends and our unit chaplain. He got me to see beyond myself. He told me that I would be wrong if these things weren't a big deal to me. That I wouldn't be ready for marriage if I didn't care. That Joe wouldn't be the right guy for me if he'd made any other decisions. And everything I said to him told him that I would be fine, that I loved Joe, Joe was it, and that I was ready. Deployments are hard, but it would not break us (me).

By the end, I wasn't sure what I was coming home to. I had a whole wedding planned and I wasn't sure I loved Joe enough to love what came with him. I was NERVOUS. Getting out of Iraq on the 4th of July was wonderful, but we still had to drag our feet through Kuwait then back to Fort Hood before I'd be back on a plane to Germany. Kristina knew that I'd be fine once I got home. (BTW, I'm physical touch and quality time in love languages. Joe's physical touch and words of affirmation) I walked off that plane sweating, shaking, and heart pounding. I saw him standing there dressed up with flowers and as much as my heart skipped a beat to see him I also felt like I was seeing someone who maybe didn't see me anymore. Would we know each other? Was 6 months apart enough to change our "fairy tale" of a courtship and fade our (my) love?

We got back to our house. It felt like I'd been gone forever and never left at the same time. The only empty place was that my cat, Orsino, had died just after I left 6 months earlier. It was GLORIOUS to get into a shower that had hot water, brush my teeth NAKED in front of the mirror, and wear civilian clothes. Joe and I were in our room and he was acting funny. I had no idea why. We were standing by the bed and he leaned over and reached under the pillow pulling out a box. He got down on one knee and opened it and there was my RING!! How had he gotten it!?! I thought it was in a safety deposit box in Seattle. Joe told me he had lied to me about his trip back to the states a few weeks earlier. He went to Arizona and New York, I knew that because he bought our wedding bands in NYC with his friend and his brother. But, what I didn't know is he took another trip. He went from Arizona to Seattle (for 24 hours) to NYC. He wanted to get my ring before I got home so that I would have it and so that he could ask me to marry him "the right way" he says since he didn't have the ring the first time. (Some people know there's a funny detail to this story, but Joe will not let me publish it.)

Anyway, it didn't take me long to realize that when I was with him the world was right. My love language is physical touch and that was all I needed to get that feeling of love back and have no more doubts. Even though I knew there would be challenges with becoming part of a family (per se) that was around before me, I felt we would be our own family and God would bless us.

We were married August 28, 2010 in the Chapel of St. Ignatius at Seattle University. It was a perfect day. I cried through the ceremony because it was so overwhelming to hear our own words of how we found each other in a homily by Fr Mike Bayard.

I had waited a long time to find someone like Joe and I could only dream that life would be what I hoped it would. And saying 'they lived Happily Ever After' is where the rest of this blog continues...

Photos of the wedding day were taken by Eliza Truitt of Eliza Truitt Photography. We loved her. She was amazing. I highly recommend her if you're in the Seattle area and you need a photographer for any event.

Our Love Story: Part Three

Our Love Story: Part Three

If you're just joining me, catch up on Part One and Part Two.

So, if you recall, just before we left for the states on leave, Joe told me "I love you" for the first time! I of course said it back. Those words changed the dynamic of our relationship. I'd known from two weeks in that he was the one for me, now I had words that meant I could be the one for him too. Our conversations about what each of us wanted in the future became conversations about what each of us could see in a future together. Talk of where to go, what to do, and who to see were all about bringing our families together and building our own. But there was still some reservation, our family's approvals were pinnacle. If my mom or dad said 'no, we don't' like him', I would not have married him.

We hopped on our first trans-atlantic flight together and landed in Phoenix, Arizona. It was my first trip ever there. It was hot, sunny, and hot. I got to see Joe's little house in Tempe for the first time. It was a great little house, I still think about that house as a home of ours even though I never officially lived in it, because a lot still happened in it. I was so nervous to meet everyone. I'm not the most social of butterflies when I'm first introduced to people. I'm an introvert. I've been told I come off as shy, quiet, all the way to stuck up because I'm BAD at making conversation with people I've just met. 

Anyway, Joe's parents are the sweetest people ever. They are loving, giving, and ever helpful. His mom talks even more than Joe, but she's exactly like him. I now know where he gets the way he tells stories from - it's the same thing! The same story, the same way, over and over after you've heard it before. It's funny and endearing. His dad is TALL and stoic, but he is honest and present for you. If you need anything he will help you. He is a good cook too. 

My mom came in on a flight too! She met Joe and I think Joe probably understood a lot about me from meeting her. We are also very similar and obviously very close. Now, I'm sure she'll wish I didn't say anything, but it's such a great confession in the story. When I told her I was dating a man who was 13 years older than me, divorced, with a kid, a nurse and a PO, you can imagine her concern. I was 24 years old. She went and told her friends about it and they thought he sounded worth googling because what would a guy like that want with a 24 year old girl who had plenty of other options? (not men options, just life options). Well, she did google him and she found....something like this, an article about Joe and his partner Drew rescuing a woman from a burning vehicle after a car crash. Take that, Google Sniffer!! Love you, Mom. I'm glad you care. She told me that she'd never seen me more myself than I've ever been with anyone else. She was right, I felt like that, and I'm glad she could see it too.

Now, the scariest part was meeting Joe's son and knowing I would also meet his ex. Joe told me and will continue to maintain that after being divorced for so long they had a pretty good relationship, for B's sake, as a parenting team. I wasn't so sure how that was possible, but I was pleasantly surprised to be very welcomed by her when she came to Joe's house. She was friendly, cheerful, and very nice to me. I felt then that if I was to marry Joe, she would be OK with it and even supportive of it. If I'd known then what I know now, I would probably not be writing this story.

Joe's son, B as he gets called, was obviously thrilled to be in his dad's home. He'd been co-parented his whole life pretty much. He knew he had places in both houses and he was excited to be there. He looks very much like Joe, no denying who's genes were contributed, but he also looks just like his mom too. Even more so now that he's older, but as a 9 year old, with an afro of coarse, dark, curly hair (big big finger curls, not tight curls) he was a mini-Joe with big teeth. He doesn't talk, but he did smile a lot, giggle a lot, yell in excitement a lot, and EAT A LOT. He loves car rides, jumping on his bed or his trampoline, scrounging in the cupboards, getting in any and all showers, and he did want to sit on Joe's lap. He didn't want me next to Joe, but he did want Joe's attentions. My friend Kristen met him and he really liked her right away. She's excellent with kids and has such a compassionate heart for special needs, I'm sure he could feel that right away and felt safe near her. I'm sure I was a little bit of a threat because I was taking some of the focus of his dad, I was clearly staying in the house, and I was absolutely nervous and uncomfortable. I don't generally like other people's kids and I have no experience with special needs, so this was a huge challenge for me. But, I saw how Joe loved him and even though I had no love or affection towards B, I saw a man who I could be with through good and bad. Perhaps I would learn to love this child too. 

This picture should change the way you think about Love. (period).

New York was a great part of the trip. Joe's brothers and sisters-in-law and nieces and nephews are all very close. It was the same feeling of being around my own extended family and they were so welcoming. I didn't feel at all like that 'younger girl Joe brought to a family event'. They must have known he was serious about me if he brought me with him at all. Because they're so wonderful (not that my family isn't just as wonderful) we're nearly 100% sure we will be moving to NY to be near them when Joe retires so that our kids can grow up with seasons, the City, the shore, and COUSINS. Lots of cousins. (10 and counting). My bestie, Emi, came to visit and we reminisced as little girls in The American Girl store, we saw a Broadway Show, and saw the 4th of July fireworks on the pier. It was great. She told me too, "I like him, you should keep him." I (obviously) liked him too, and I planned on keeping him. 

We spent a little bit longer in NYC than Emi. She got to the airport very early and we had the day in the city. We went to have breakfast at Tiffany's. Then we went in. Then we went to the second floor and got out (it's the engagement and wedding rings). I tried on some rings and we kind of decided that we liked a classic round solitaire. But that was just for fun. (I like all things that are sparkly and have lots of extra sparkle, but for me, it was about seeing what he felt represented a promise that he was giving me and that I was accepting, so the solitaire stood out)

We got home and as I started to process the reality of what I had just visited, I got nervous. I got angry. I got upset. I got sad. I got honest with myself... I didn't know that I wanted to share my future with Joe's past, and I struggled. We actually moved to an apartment in Landstuhl during this time because my Hohenecken house had mold and I wanted to be closer to Joe's apartment near LRMC as well. I wanted to be closer to him, he moved some of his stuff in, but I wanted for what I didn't have to see every day to not be real. He knew. He even asked me if I was sure I wanted him to move in because he knew. He told me (and still will) that he was angry too for a long time. And finally, he just had to stop being angry because it wasn't productive. Again, his honesty and his perception of being responsible in the present for what happened in the past made me feel that somehow it was bigger than me, bigger than him, and he had accepted that and was doing what he could to do the right things in that moment. Wow. What perspective. That was what I loved about him.

His brother, sister-in-law, and nephew came to visit and we all went to Paris. I was still unsure and thinking about breaking up with him. We shared our hotel room and that night he told me, "I'm not looking for a mother for B, he already has one. I've been taking care of him since he was a baby and I'd never ask you to take my responsibility for him. He's a sweet boy. But, I understand it's a lot and if you're going to break up with me, just do it. Do it sooner rather than later. I'll be fine." It wasn't that I was going to, or that I didn't want to, I just physically couldn't. I laid there thinking, "I can't handle this, I hate this, this isn't what I want, but..." and I never said the words. I had a choice to make that night in Paris and I chose to stay silent even though part of me was screaming on this inside "You don't have to choose this!!!" That was a big turning point. I acknowledged to myself that it was OK to not want to choose this, and to not like it, but I still had a choice, and I wasn't willing to choose walking away over being with the person I was most myself with and giving time a chance to reveal things. By the end of Paris I didn't want to break up with him anymore. 

Joe met my dad and Michelle in November at the birth of my littlest sister Sophia. She arrived early so we got to see her after she'd been comfortably home for a few days. I had not emphasized enough to my family how serious I was about Joe and when I did I think they got more excited to meet him. I was bringing a guy to the birth of a blessed baby. Not just ANY guy was going to be welcome at such an intimate and special event. (I understand even more so now just HOW big it was, too. You guys ROCK) He was very warmly welcomed. And again, I was told that despite their (my dad's) reservations about our age difference (less than theirs ;-D) and the hardship and heartache I would go through being with a man who had a child that would tie him to another person for the rest of his life, they also really liked him and felt that I was myself with him and he was a keeper. We considered getting legally married in Madison that week, but decided that my impending deployment was not the reason to get married right then.

Sweet sleepy baby. 

Clover Twinkles at 17 months!

At the end of the year I was preparing for a 6 month deployment to Iraq. Finally, it was upon us. I had to go to Fort Hood (mere weeks after the shooting) for 17 days of training before coming back to Germany for a holiday break. We had agreed that getting married before I got back wasn't worth the money or the missed experience of having family and friends at a ceremony. I was partly hoping for a proposal on Christmas but Christmas came and went. I'd alluded to him just getting a "field ring" that I could wear while I was gone since I would never take the real thing anyway. But nope. Nothing. We did want to go somewhere special though, so Joe did some secret research and made a plan that I was not privy to. It was a surprise. 

We got up and went to the train station by our little apartment (I loved that about Landstuhl) and hopped on a train heading to Saarbruken. I guessed by our connection and direction that we were headed to Paris. But for what I had no idea. I presumed a nice dinner or a show or something we'd never done before. I knew he didn't have a ring so I didn't know what his plan was really. When we got there (the bullet train is awesome. Take it if you get a chance) we surfaced from the metro. Joe had a clear destination and a timeline but he wouldn't tell me where. It sounded like a show or a reservation to me. What else has such a tight timeline in the afternoon? We were on a busy shopping street. The storefronts were full of people gazing at the holiday windows still ablaze. Joe noticed we were by the Paris Opera house and suggested that we go to the front and eat the ham and cheese sandwich we'd gotten on our way out of the train station. After finishing the sandwich, Joe took me up the stairs of Opera House and said, "The real reason reason I took you to Paris is because I couldn't take you to Tiffany's in New York. I love you very much. I want to be your husband and I want you to be me wife. Will you marry me?" YES!! 

There are actually 3 Tiffany's in Paris. Two counters in department stores and one actual store front. We of course found that one last, but ideally we walked from the Opera House down the Rue de la Paix to the doors of Tiffany & Co. without all the rest of the hubbub to get there. Together we picked the ring that promised our futures to each other. We picked a classic solitaire with a round diamond. The Jeweler put it in the classic turquoise Tiffany box and tied it with a red holiday ribbon. We celebrated with champagne and a wonderful dinner at the Cafe de la Paix. The ring was a little big, but Joe presented the box to me across the table while we drank our champagne and people walking by got all excited as they saw this guy pass a box to a girl with a ring in it. I put it on and got to spend the night in awe of the glitter I was wearing. I had no idea what was in store, but I knew that I didn't want to turn my back on this road, even when it was going to get rough. I didn't say yes conditionally. I meant it unconditionally. 

Days later, I got on a plane to Fort Hood, TX to deploy to Iraq. 6 months apart would pose more difficult than I could have ever imagined.... Continue on for Part 4: The conclusion!

Saying Good-Bye at the Frankfurt Airport

Our Love Story: Part Two

Apparently Joe noticed my knee trick. He intentionally did not move his knee, but also didn't know if I just didn't notice, didn't care, or had done it on purpose.

If you missed part one, you can read it here.

We can't remember the exact details of this part anymore, but I was sitting on my computer at home.

...Now, a key part to this story is that I was on the phone with a guy from e-harmony (yes, I know) who I had NO INTEREST IN! Partially because he lived HOURS away, partially because I couldn't quite believe e-harmony matched him with me (the case with ALL my e-harmony matches *gag*), and partially because he looked like my college boyfriend who I had broken up with, not in a good way, after almost 3 years. But, we were talking on the phone and he was trying to find a time we could get together. I was turning him down every breath I could get claiming I was working all the time. (Which was true with all my ICU/OR time). I had already been on a date with another guy from e-harmony who lived in the area. I had gotten conned into a second date with him and I was a total b!%@h to him. Not in a mean way, just in an uninterested way. Nothing he said could make me agree with him. I was completely disagreeable and very vocal about it. Which, for people who know me, is not usually me either. I'm opinionated, sometimes, but I'm very agreeable and I get along with just about everyone. As much as I put myself out there to meet guys to casual date, I was NOT INTERESTED IN DATING... one other caveat to my e-harmony profile was I said it was a very high priority that no one have kids yet... deal breaker.

Anway, I'm on the phone with this other guy and on my computer at the same time. I see Joe pop up on facebook. I got excited so I sent him a message, "Boo!". We started talking and I managed to get off the phone with whatever-his-name-was. Somehow we started talking about things to do in the area. I was off tomorrow, but Joe had to work. Suddenly, Joe got a phone call from the ICU calling him OFF for the next day. Now he went from working to FREE in the span of a few sentences. I immediately asked him, "Do you want to come over and play?" (yes. I'm 5. I said that.) We planned to meet the next day and go to lunch and explore the castle ruins by my house. This is March, people, it's cold in Germany still.

European Country Living

We went to European Country Living, a German furniture store with a cafe inside. It was delicious. I was very interested in this man who could TALK. I always told my friends I needed a guy who keep up with me talking. He was was ahead of me. He also impressed me with his cordiality to the store staff - native Germans with very good English. There was something on the menu seasonally he was looking for and when the lady told him it wasn't in anymore she apologized and he told her there was no need, not a big deal, he'd keep his eyes out for it later. He wasn't irritated, he wasn't super bummed out, it was what it was and he got something else. Oh, well. I liked that.

We walked through the store (3 stories) after lunch and looked at everything there. We each remarked on things we liked and what we'd like to do with something like this or that. It was clear we both had a strong sense of home and heritage.

Hohenecken Castle

After lunch we drove about 20 minutes to the castle ruins. And talked. We parked at the base of the hill and took a decently visible trail up. And talked. It's COLD, but I'm wearing a fleece jacket. Joe is nice enough to give me a hat for my cold ears. I was bummed to put a hat on because I thought my hair was pretty cute (it was just getting long enough to put in a pony tail and pin my bangs back), but cold ears HURT so the hat won. We got to the ruins and walked about the grounds. This castle is particularly cool because it's decently intact and you can walk up all around and through it and it's FREE. There was one spot where we were climbing down some stairs and he offered me his hand to help me down. That's the gentlemanly thing to do, it didn't tell me if he was more than being nice or not. We kept holding fingers for just a few extra seconds and then they dropped. I'm not sure who dropped whose fingers first. It was WINDY up high too. We went around a corner into a spot that was an old room when I wrapped my arms around myself with a "brrr", Joe wrapped me in his coat. Now, looking back, I should have seen it, but I was unsure. Nice guy, cold girl, he'd offer his coat even if he wasn't interested, right?? Joe tells me if I'd looked up at him he would have kissed me right there. I kept my head down because I didn't want to look up at him if he wasn't going to. DANG! That would have been a great first kiss story. Not it.

We left and started walking back to the car. We saw a playground with swings along the way and, being the eternal 5 year old I am, I wanted to go swing. So we sat on the swings and continued to talk. We talked about EVERYTHING. I learned more about Joe's family (the DYNASTY of boys), how he got into Nursing and PD, his mobilization to Cuba, his son, his ex (I was very keen to hear this story because because I was not interested in men with kids, yet I was liking him a lot), and how he "hoped he'd be lucky enough to meet a girl and have more kids." He also iterated that he was never going to 'just get married again'. He told me how some of his friends told him to marry one girl because he was never going to find anything better and he told them he'd rather be single the rest of his life than marry her. He told me he would retire to the coast and be a scuba instructor. I told him about my blended family, my dreams of being a mom, how I wanted my kids to be raised with family around and in a faith community, how I wanted to be a doctor when I was little and why I joined the Army. We casually talked about EVERYTHING important to us. I still didn't know if he was interested in me, for all I knew he was just a really good talker and a friendly guy, but it was very easy to tell him anything and I wan't worried about saying "too much" or "the wrong thing". For me, I wasn't going to say anything different or hold anything back because I wasn't trying to pretend to be someone. I was just being me and if that wasn't what he was interested in, I had other places to go!

On our walk back we missed our trail and got LOST. We ended up WAY WAY WAY out of our way and it took us hours to get back to my car. We were both very easy going about it, we corrected ourselves (without smart phones, mind you) and just talked while we walked. We found the car eventually :D I was not ready to take him home yet because I still wanted to be near him, but I was really nervous to take him to my house. He had expressed how he lost interest in a girl the second he saw how messy her house was (remember that episode of Friends?). Well, my house was certainly messy, but I didn't have old food or animals or anything like THAT, just half unpacked boxes EVERYWHERE, clean clothes indiscernible from laundry on the floor, stuff stacked, that kind of thing.... but I braved it. I asked if he wanted to go to my place...

Joe says he had a mild heart attack when he walked in. He's also still surprised how it didn't make him like me any less at that point. We did sit on the couch and somewhere in there we had our first kiss. (Yeah, the castle would have been way cooler than the couch). It was pretty mutually obvious by that point and I was immediately jell-o. It was a perfect feeling kiss. His lips were soft and they fit right with mine. You know how some kisses are just THE END for your romantic interest? This was NOT the end for me. My phone rang appropriately enough and it was Emily asking if I wanted to come over for dinner. I asked if I could bring someone. She asked if it was the guy from the ICU. Apparently I'd been talking about him more than I realized. Yes. Yes, it was... Joe was introduced to my two best friends that night and we had a great dinner.

I then left town for over a week! I went to Paris and the states with my family. They knew something was up because I was glowing, talking on my European cell phone across country lines (big bill), and staying up late on the computer. On the way home I even bought bridal magazines to read on the plane. I hid them when I landed because Joe picked me up at the gate and drove me home. I didn't want him to see my crazy yet.

My birthday was about 2 weeks later. I'd just learned that my CRNA packet was rejected by Branch because they didn't want to let me out of Germany 6 months early. The told me if it had been 4 months I would have gone, but they weren't going to do 6 months. I was DEVASTATED. I cried for a whole day. But, I planned to apply for the next year and ask to deploy in the meantime. Joe was supportive. He was supposed to go home in a few months anyway, his mission was only for a year so we didn't think we'd be together much longer. Things were still just "fun" until someone would say "I love you". For my birthday (which I never really celebrate) Joe cooked at my house and Shawn and Emily came over. I needed a food processor so Emily and I went on an adventure to buy one. We were sitting in my car in the driveway and I could see Joe in the kitchen window. I told Emily at that moment that I knew he was The One for me IF I was The One for him.

The first hiccup in our relationship came when we ran into a girl I knew coming up Cardiac Hill on our way down the hill to dinner. There was light conversational exchange, I could tell they knew each other,  but I never thought anything of it. It wasn't until VERY late that night when we were talking that I realized I'd heard a story before from this girl about a guy she'd been seeing who she really liked, she would text all the time and he wouldn't text her back. It dawned on me that "this guy" was JOE. It was like being stopped by a brick wall when I realized the things she had told me about "this guy" were about a guy I was now involved with. She had also told some mutual friends about "this guy" and when I told them the name of who I was dating they put two and two together and they were not very happy about it. All of a sudden "this guy", who my closest friends really liked, was disapproved of by some other close friends because of a previous interlude with someone they were closer to. I was warned to "be careful", "not get too involved", and "don't get hurt". Was I not supposed to trust him?

One thing everyone knows about me is that I can talk. Joe can talk even MORE! And the greatest thing about Joe when he talks is he will tell you the same story EXACTLY the same way over and over again. If it's a funny story, it may get some drama associated with its telling, but the details never change. Joe always says, "If you always tell the truth, you never have to remember what you said." And he's true in everything. I've heard the same stories now for 4 years and they're exactly as I heard them the first time. Even the stories about the tough things. He was up front with me from the beginning. He said he'd talk to me about anything, as long as I wanted to. He told me that things were as they were and he would always do the best he could to answer what I asked, talk with me about anything, and if I couldn't deal with something and wanted to break up with him then do it soon rather than later, he'd be OK. Wow was all I could think whenever he'd say that to me. And he did (still does) say that to me quite a few times over a few different things.

The second hiccup came very soon after. I had been dealing with the idea that the man I really really really liked had a child. The story of this child was a long and complex one. I was upset that it had to be like that, but I felt since he was an older child that maybe I could deal. The relationship that created him was long long over and was an exceptional circumstance to begin with (which was actually almost worse that a loving marriage that fell apart). I LOVE my little sisters so why would I not be able to love another child in a blended family? Anyway, I'd seen pictures of B and noticed a few peculiarities like no eye contact with the camera, no smiling, chewing on something, fingers always by his face, and the appearance of pulling away from Joe. But, I didn't know what it was. Joe told me one night, again just talking away like we always could late into the night, that he was Autistic. THUD. I think my heart dropped to the ground when I heard that. Partially because I wasn't sure how to deal with that BIG news and partially because the thought that this wonderful-to-me man was responsible for a child with high needs. It was a heart-wrenching story about his birth, his heart defect, his surgeries, his developmental delays, and ultimately a diagnosis (very young, especially for the early 2000's) of Autism. Now what? Joe told me girls had broken up with him one after the other because they didn't want do date a guy with a kid, much less an autistic kid. Was I that kind of person? YES! YES I WAS!! I didn't want to date a man with a kid! I don't know ANYTHING about Autism or special needs kids of any kind. Put the two together and why would I stay?!?! I'm 24 years old!!! WHAT THE HECK?! But, I just couldn't break up with Joe. I couldn't do it even though the idea of accepting this circumstance and this living CHILD was way beyond me at the time. I wanted to be more than "other girls". Joe obviously LOVED his son. He was all throughout his room in pictures and frames, he had a sad look about him when he talked because he was so far away, he'd call back to the states to try and talk to him and you could hear the love in his voice when he'd be brought to the phone. I was drawn even closer to him by his openness about everything and his peace with his son as he was. I was certainly not at peace with the idea, but I really wanted to be.

Within a few months it was clear that if Joe went back to the states our relationship would not last. Neither one of us was ready to end it, but long distance (AZ to Germany no less) is HARD and we really weren't interested. But, I didn't want to let it go. Before we even had to worry too much, the ICU asked if he would extend another year!! Joe began filling out paperwork to stay in Germany. We were being given the chance to see how much our relationship meant become clear to us.

It was June before we said, "I love you". I'd *almost* slipped a few times. Oops. I'd been trying so hard NOT to say it too soon or before I knew he wanted to say it back. We kept adding more and more "reallys" onto "I like you"... So juvenile... We had plans to go back to the states together on leave. I was going with him to Arizona so he could see his son and my mom was going to come down too to see me. Then we were going to New York City for 4th of July and my bestie, Emi, was coming up to visit too. This wasn't planned as a trip to meet the families, but I hoped that's what it was. He told me that he wanted to go to the castle and kiss me there. He wanted me to know before we went on leave so I knew how much me meeting his son, his parents, his brothers, and his friends meant to him. It wasn't just fun. He told me, "I love you." leaning up against an old well ruin. And I hugged him and told him, "I love you, too."

What girl doesn't LOVE being kissed like this!? 

Continue on for PART THREE!!

SOME OF OUR FIRST TRIPS:

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Our Love Story: Part One

For those who've noticed, the name of this site has been So This is Love for about a year. It's recently been updated to Making Life Divine. Both are lines taken from Cinderella's "So This is Love". The names both mean a lot to me. Part of them are the straightforward meanings, but there are other ways to read them both. As I begin diving more into how I try daily to actually make my life more divine, to find divinity in the life(style) and lives (babies) we've made, and to embrace how this is love, I wanted to tell our love story. The details. The thoughts. The hurdles. The real story.

HOW WET MET:

Part One

For those who say, "Love happens when you're not looking." I give you kudos, because neither of us was looking or even interested in anything when we met. I can only give credit higher because I have NO idea how it happened. Really.

I was 23 (Joe didn't know). I'd been in Germany for 1 year and decided I wanted to be a Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist (CRNA) in the Army. I interviewed with the Chief CRNA, started shadowing in the OR, and was told that I needed ICU experience to be a true candidate. So, I got myself in the ICU. I was working full-time on MED-SURG and I worked out a deal with the ICU Assistant Head Nurse and scheduled a few days a month (on my off days or my Holiday Time) in the ICU to follow with other nurses. I was very goal-oriented. I'd spent months getting waivers and referrals, I'd filled out my packet, sent it up as the #1 European candidate for CRNA school, and was just preparing to register for Microbiology and Organic Chemistry when....

Joe was *ahem* 37 years old (I didn't know) and had been in Germany for 3 months. He was a mobilized reservist from Arizona, attached to a unit out of Colorado for a 1 year mission to Landstuhl. He was a 66H (Med-Surg Nurse) assigned to the ICU based on the needs of the hospital. He had a full-time career he loved that was NOT nursing and a 9 year old son he shared custody with to get back to in the states. His goal was to work, travel, and pay some bills off when...

Joe says he first saw me in the report room after I'd been there a few weeks. I was "sitting against the back wall, with my legs crossed leaning forward with my hand in chin. No makeup. Red chin" (his words) tired as S*#T, and rather composed looking. He says he thought "huh, who is she? I've never seen her before. She's kinda cute." He knew something was weird because I didn't have a deer in headlights looks. There are always new 2LT's shaking in their boots to come to the ICU during their Nurse Transition Program, but I was apparently too relaxed to be one of them. He says he also checked to see if I was wearing a ring (I wasn't) but figured I was probably married and not wearing it or that I had a boyfriend.

I believe I first saw Joe in the ICU sitting outside a patient's room on the computer charting. He was my kind of "type". I noticed he was tall, lanky, had dark hair and he smiled when I walked by him. I didn't feel judged by him for being there. Most people had NO idea what a 1LT was doing in the ICU if I wasn't an NTP "student". I kept taking notice of him when he'd walk by, he had an energetic step, a smile, and he looked like he knew what he was doing. I like smart and confident. He seemed to always look at me. Funny part is, there was a group of residents doing a rotation and I thought one of them was cute! I almost had 1/2 a mind to ask him out, but I never did. They weren't there very long and after the last relationship I had I wasn't interested in fun no matter who told me to "go have some."

Joe first approached me. He stopped me in the hallway saying "Hi" and asking me more about who I was and what I was doing here. He was nice. I liked that I felt supported for being there. Then he stopped me in front of the nurses station and asked me about traveling and invited me to be part of a group that he had been traveling with that included a few other girls (one of them being our now good friend Sadie). I had to turn him down because his off days were my regular work days. But, we exchanged facebook info to "see each other's pictures" and we can't remember out who friended who first. I remember thinking he seemed really nice and I wasn't interested in anything so I should be careful. I couldn't tell if he was into me, but I thought for his age (I didn't know HOW OLD he was at the time, I could just tell he was in his 30's) he must be married with kids back home so it wouldn't matter anyway.

Mere days later, I was in the hospital doing something admin or CRNA school related, and I was walking down "the ramp" between 1st and 2nd floors when I saw Joe walking up. I was in civilian clothes and he was in scrubs coming back with lunch. I recognized him from far away and tried to keep a straight face. Joe says he recognized me as soon as I turned the corner and was excited to "check me out in civilians, not in scrubs." He said "hi" and must have said something else because my response was, "I know, I know, I look different in civilian clothes." I get defensive and sassy because quite often people would not recognize me until I told them who I was. (Yeah, thanks, people.) I kept walking and Joe waited until I'd passed him a good distance before turning around so he could check out my butt (yes. for real. you know he did it.)

After a few more weeks of shadowing in the ICU, there came a morning where our good friend and my most popular preceptor was the Charge Nurse. She assigned me (very intentionally) to CPT Wagner. My heart fluttered. He may have glanced at me, but not outright. We had an incoming patient from downrange so there were HOURS to set up the room and wait. So we talked. He wasn't married (oooh). He had a son (uuugh). He loved to cook (oooh). I have a kitchen (my first flirtatious statement). He was a cop (WHAT?).  He became a nurse to meet the college requirements to get into NY State Troppers Academy but then couldn't get on and worked as a nurse for a few years before getting hired in AZ (oook, smart way to go). I had a cat (he likes kitties). I was going to be a CRNA (he helped me decide to take Micro first). We got our patient and he wasn't serious, he wanted a nap. So we let him. We were sitting outside the room on the COW (computer on wheels) looking at charting or something and I swiveled my chair to touch his knee. Yeah, I'm sneaky like that. I figured if he moved it then it was an "oops, sorry" and no more. But he didn't move his knee.... now what?

For more of the story, continue to Part II!