When I started dating Joe we didn't have kids, but I was very aware he was already a father. He had pictures of his son throughout his barracks room, on his computer, in his wallet... B was always present with Joe even though Joe was far away from him being in Germany. Our first Father's Day we had only been dating a few months but I wanted to make an effort to show him that I supported his role as an already father as well as the man I wanted to marry. I got him a Father's Day card and wrote something in it though I can't remember what. And honestly, other than getting him a card last year too and having Lincoln "scribble" in it and putting Bella's paw print on it, I probably haven't done much celebrating of Father's Day for him. It's another one of those days on the calendar that pass like every other day. According to History.com about Father's Day,
In 1924, President Calvin Coolidge urged state governments to observe Father’s Day. However, many men continued to disdain the day. As one historian writes, they “scoffed at the holiday’s sentimental attempts to domesticate manliness with flowers and gift-giving, or they derided the proliferation of such holidays as a commercial gimmick to sell more products--often paid for by the father himself.”
[during the depression] Struggling retailers and advertisers redoubled their efforts to make Father’s Day a “second Christmas” for men, promoting goods such as neckties, hats, socks, pipes and tobacco, golf clubs and other sporting goods, and greeting cards. When World War II began, advertisers began to argue that celebrating Father’s Day was a way to honor American troops and support the war effort. By the end of the war, Father’s Day may not have been a federal holiday, but it was a national institution.
In 1972, in the middle of a hard-fought presidential re-election campaign, Richard Nixon signed a proclamation making Father’s Day a federal holiday at last. Today, economists estimate that Americans spend more than $1 billion each year on Father’s Day gifts.
Geez, in a world where the average American household has over $15,000 of credit card debt, we continue to spend money we don't have to spend that much money on Father's Day?!? Aren't fathers fathers every day?? Ok, yes, I wanted Joe to have something so I did spend money - sort of. I took it out of my business inventory. I think it's awesome and I can't wait to smell them all.
Anyway, I am not a big celebrator of Hallmark Holidays, except I always think of this one differently. Why? Because there are a lot of fathers out there who work their asses, behinds, bottoms off, they work really hard to provide for children who they don't live with, they don't know, or they don't know how else to help. Not always just financially. I've established we're going back to Arizona instead of staying in Florida so that Joe can physically be there for B. When we made our decision to come here for more money and a job opportunity "we would be dumb to pass up", we thought we were doing an awesome thing for all of us. It enabled Joe to alter the child support and pay nearly twice as much money so that B's mom could pay for full-time after school and weekend care givers when the state didn't cover it. So that she could pay for the food costs of a GF-CF diet-controlled, pubescent, teenage boy. Joe continues to pay secondary insurance so she can afford his medication. We thought the money would give us all some freedoms. Not to say we weren't "right" to a degree, but as the year has revealed, money can't buy everything.
It's been argued that at some point, not being there physically and not being present in his life -- regardless of the reason -- just isn't ok...for anyone. And you know what? I think about that statement all. the. time. Joe, I, we thought about that before he took this job in Florida, and we've thought about it again every unanswered phone call since we've been here, every plane ticket we can't afford to travel back to Phoenix to visit, every day, every night. But, and you might call this an excuse, BUT life is full of choices and those choices do not mean dads love their children less even when those choices take them a physical distance away. It may not look good. It may not feel good.
Here's the kicker and what I really wanted to say, Father's Day capitalizes on the commercial gift-giving, card-buying, grill-starter, tie-wearing, whatever, in order to celebrate Dad and tell him, "I love you." How many dads have never heard their children say, "Daddy, I love you?" yet they are still giving of themselves. I'm not talking about the dads who really are douches, I know there are plenty of them. I'm talking about the dads who work their asses, behinds, bottoms off, they work really hard to do the best they can not knowing what that really is. For us, it's not knowing what the best thing to do is for B regarding physical custody, or an aug com device, or long-term care, etc. But I do know that Joe does the best he can when factoring in all of life's complexities to make the right decisions at each impass - even when the decision is to make a change. To agree to alter the custody. To get another job to pay more child support. To go on Active Duty. To return to Phoenix.
Joe is a dad that most dads don't know how to be.
Because he was given a duty to have a child with special needs.
He is a dad who is there.
Not because he has to.
Because he wants to.
Happy Father's Day
to all the fathers
who work their asses, behinds, bottoms off, who work really hard
to do the best they can
because they love their children
when they're sleeping in another home, another bed, far away,
and
even when they've never heard their child say
"Daddy, I Love You."
